Managing Wedding Stress
By Countess Maria von Staufer
The experts say that there are three great stress makers. Bereavement, Moving House and Divorce! I would add Marriage as an equal partner to these. The bride and groom have two positions.
Either they are alone, and doing all the arrangements themselves...
OR they are still very much part of families, and are in the middle of two sides, who far from taking the stress away, make more stress with conflicting opinions and requirements.
This is the reason that many couples today are opting to stay together and single! I have had several wedding arrangements cancelled because of family arguments...
However, whichever way the couple turns they are confronted with stress. Stress if they have to try to achieve their special day in the face of family requirements
Stress if they decide to do it themselves, as well as trying to work full-time, and often over-time in order to make up the terrible costs of a wedding today.
Delegating Responsibility
So how can they reach their wedding day relaxed and cheerful and fit for the adventure ahead? Well, the first most obvious way, whether with the family or without, is to commission a wedding arranger / wedding planner to take all the responsibility off their hands. No lengthy confused phone calls trying to squeeze prices out of unwilling hoteliers, caterers, photographers. They always need more information, don’t they? Yes, I know all about that one, having arranged weddings for some 14 years now!
No time-consuming trips to check out hotels for suitablility, no fond mothers in the way deciding for you, and no need to justify why you don’t want the room with pink ruffles around the bed!
But... it doesn’t always work out that way. Nervous brides and impatient grooms often don’t know how to delegate. They have to see for themselves, do for themselves, and end up doing half of the arrangers work, causing endless confusion in the process! If you are going to commission a Wedding Planner, then let them get on with their job! THEY are the professionals. Whatever you may think you can do, they know from years of bitter experience what works and what does not. And often can save you money in the process.
The first thing to do is to have a meeting with the chosen arranger and let them get to know what you like and dislike, your tastes and choices. Your budget, numbers and dates. All these factors have to be taken into consideration together. It is no good wanting floaty drapes and four posters and a dip in your own pool, if you can only just afford a good standard fou- star, no matter how much you may yearn after that beautiful hotel you saw… you cannot afford it!!
This adds to your stress levels, makes you cross with the arranger, frustrated with each other and discontent with every other hotel / arrangement offered. And it achieves nothing, and loses you the chance of your perfect day. The arranger knows how to compensate for these disappointments, and can find you something which you and everyone with you will remember as a glorious event. But you must let them! You pay enough for the service, so let the arrangers get on and give you their professional best.
Let go and Relax
It all comes down to letting go, and trusting the professionals you employ. And to do that you need to relax.
There are some excellent books on the market at the moment for wedding stress, particularly the small inexpensive series produced by Confetti, 'The Essential Wedding Stress Buster'. This is not an in-depth book on stress management, but it has useful bits of advice to help you plan your wedding more calmly. See also other books in the series, including tips for the mother of the bride, and speech making for the men!!
When you feel yourself getting wound up, massage the back of your neck, or each others' with some soothing oil, and soft music. Spend a little of your precious budget on a good aromatherapy massage once a week. It will do wonders for you.
Sit down with your arranger and talk over each point, decide on it, and don’t look back, move on then to the next point. You arranger will lead you if you allow them to... You are arranging one wedding, they do 3 or 4 in a month! If they did not know how to manage the stress they would all go loopy and out of business! Listen to them, take their advice.
Fear of losing one's self
Many experts claim that couples are depressed and stressed as soon as they decided to marry , because they do not want to let go of their single self. This is a factor to be reckoned with. Professionally, I can understand it, and work with couples who have these problems. Personally I cannot relate to it, as when I got married I was delighted to be losing that lonely, self-interested me, and becoming part of a wonderful man whom I loved like crazy. I didn’t give it a second thought! And I had a fantastic wedding day!
If you are having such feelings, you do need to discuss these with a counsellor who can help you leave 'self' behind and move forward to a new and exciting life together. In just a couple of sessions you can help yourselves to prepare for married life in a more positive way.
How to cope with family
If you are having problems with family, then both of you together sit down with them, hand in hand, showing solidarity, and tell them quietly and calmly that this, you realise, is a big day for everyone, but for you two, it is your most special day of your lives, and you need to be given the freedom to make your own plans your own way. You don’t want to exclude anyone from the enjoyment of planning your wedding, but at the same time, you don’t want people getting so carried away with what their choice of the perfect wedding is, that they all forget about your choice.
Resolving personal issues
If you have issues with each other which are causing you anxieties, do not try to sit and talk it through alone! Your emotions are too tangled up; go together to a marriage counsellor, and tell them you want to sit and discuss openly your fears and anxieties, so that you can move forward together. Make sure that the counsellor you choose is in keeping with your own religious views. If you are Roman Catholics or Anglicans, Jewish or any other main stream religion / denomination, your local Church or place of worship will be able to advise you where to go for suitable counselling according to your own religious beliefs.
At the end of this article you will find a page of useful links to counselling for couples, including marriage and getting married..
Lost Romance
Silly as it may seem, couples become so involved in the effects of getting married that they tend to lose the picture a bit. They lose sight of their love, and why they fell in love in the first place. These couples need to inject a little romance into their lives. Go away for a couple of days; needn’t be anywhere expensive. Just a romantic quiet trip, take advantage of the cheap flights and offers to wing off to Mallorca, Venice, Prague, Rome, Paris... for a couple of days.
Just enjoy each other's company. Enjoy the time to walk hand in hand by a river or the sea.
Sit in a café over a coffee and gaze into each other's eyes as you talk.
Remember what it was like when you first met and were hopelessly head over heels in love!
Play old music which brings back these memories to you.
Dance together; old-fashioned yes, but also very romantic. Someone once described dancing as ‘making love to music’.
Nothing is too corny, too out of fashion, too silly when you need to recover those long hidden feelings of being deeply and irrevocably in love – which you are, and that is why you are reading this page and planning to get married!!
Getting Help
You can contact Maria for a confidential advice session. Maria works online, on the telephone (not recommended) and out of Monmouth. She will also come to meet you in your own home, or arrange an in-between meeting place. Normal counselling fees of £30 a session of up to two hours, plus expenses.
Please make
initial contact via this form.
